How May 5th changed everything...

I used to think that seeing that positive sign on a pregnancy test was the most overwhelming and intimidating (and wonderful) thing in the world.

It was a symbol of how in 9 short months your life was about to shift in a way you had never experienced. Even if you have seen it before, every subsequent time after that is just as life altering. The fear and the unknown is still there. The worry and hope is still there. The joy and the nausea is still there.

And now I have a new perspective.

Seeing that positive sign for the third time was albeit, a bit of a surprise, but not that unexpected at the end of the day. And I did feel that excitement and worry and hope all over again. Little did I know that on May 5, I would be experiencing a whole new type of shock.

Like I said, it was the third time around, so that dating ultrasound didn't seem that important for my husband to be at, he said he could make it work and I said "why? just come to the next one in a month, at least then it will LOOK like a baby, right now its just like a dot on a screen"

So I'm in the dark ultrasound room wanting to throw up from having to pee so bad, and the ultrasound tech is doing her thing saying "I will show you in just a second, but I just have to get all the measurements and such first..." and I reassure her, I'm not worried, i know she has to do what she needs to do, and its all good cause this is my third time around so I'm happy to wait it out.
She starts asking me a lot of questions, which at the time I assume is her just being friendly.
"nobody with you today?"
"do you have other kids at home?"
"how old are they?"
"do you have help with them?"
etc etc etc.
The she says, "So I'm going to show you, but I'll put it up on the screen here and then, since you have done this all before, why don't YOU tell ME what you see?"
That was the moment that little positive pregnancy sign went from being the single biggest indicator of how much life was about to change to being 2nd place.

"I don't want to say....because to ME, ..that ....that looks like two.."
"It IS two. Two heartbeats. Two embryos. Ive checked it a few times. Its twins."

.....
"OH. MY.GOD."
"do you want the room to yourself?"
"oh my god"
"this is a pretty normal reaction to this kind of news"
"OH my GOD!"
"you can take your time in here to process it if you like"

"UM, no. I have to go. I have to go yell at my  husband."

My heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my face. I felt like i was in some weird cloud of shock. I was going to kill Jake.
I walked out of there. Stared at that picture over and over and OVER again.
And then I called Jake.
"Remember all those stupid jokes you made about twins jake? REMEMBER THOSE?!" I said through tears in my car.
"what? What is going on? YOU'RE KIDDING ME"
"I'M NOT JOKING. I'M SENDING YOU THE PHOTO RIGHT NOW"

I remember how I felt that day. I felt so overwhelmed. I felt exhausted already...how were we going to manage TWO babies at once....when we already HAD TWO BABIES AT HOME?!
I started to experience large waves of concern, washing up thoughts about losing one, or about one of them growing and one disappearing.
Which made me realize my heart was already attached to both of those alarming and terrifying little dots on the screen.
My brain was melting from all the racing thoughts but my heart was secretly beaming, telling me how amazing this was.Unfortunately, my brain speaks louder, so most of that week I was caught up in tears thinking about how we were going to do this.

Eventually, the enormousness of that day started to ease, and the storm in my head started to find paths to navigate myself back to a new version of myself that could be calm AND expecting twins.
I'm hoping this version of myself will also be able to adjust to become both a mother of four kids, AND a normal person...with washed hair. But that may be pushing it.

Whenever the stress, and the worry and the concern have reared up at me over these past few months, I have found  that if I close my eyes and remember the sounds of those  two heartbeats, and think, "We get to have two", most of that sticky grey worry washes away, and exposes the joy again.

Dont get me wrong. I DO realize how messy, and hard, and exhausting and overwhelming this is going to be. I get it. Its VERY real to me these days, because lets be honest, the sheer size of my belly is making this all very tangible. But lets be honest. Ive been a working mom of two kids under 4 too, and that sure wasn't some walk in the park either, so I'm just piling on now. Which is fine. Ive always liked efficiency.

So to all those kind but overbearing women in the supermarkets: yes, I realize I'm going to be busy. Yes, I realize what causes pregnancy. Yes, 3 boys and 4 kids sounds like a handful. Yes, my life is about to get crazy.

But you know what? Its about to get even more fucking wonderful too.

Pretty soon I get to have two more babies....and I'll be allowed to have wine again.
So there's always a shiny side.

Resurfacing....

It has been literally 3 years since I wrote anything down here.

I would be embarrassed by my utter failure as a blog writer, except that I’ve been drowning, or treading in the water that is my children, with my head barely above it all for literally 3 years.

My beautiful girl was born, and I should have known when she took twice as long as her brother to get out of there that I was about to meet the most stubborn, strong and fierce little thing in my life. She has turned my world upside down, and to be fair it was not even right side up to start with, so I can’t blame her for all the chaos.

When Emma was about 18 months old, and I was in the middle of yet another battle with a person that seemed bigger than me and yet was only standing up to my knees, and felt utterly defeated. When it was over, I was telling my sister in law about it and feeling embarrassed, and she said, “that’s what is so great about Emma, she is who she is, and she is owning that”.  

I think that in all the haze of the exhaustion and the pure frustration at her fiery little personality, I missed that key point, and needed someone standing outside of the ring that is Emma vs Mom, to show it back to me. I’ve been so grateful for that in my life; for the people around me, showing me the pieces I’m missing, and showing me the places I’m succeeding, because motherhood is a lot like looking through a foggy window at the end of a long commute; at the end of the day, you can see where you are but you don’t remember how you got there, or if anyone fed the dog.

So now, when Emma rears up at me, as she does several times a day, because, well, she’s Emma, I remember to take pride in how she holds her own, and remember how important it is for a woman to stand up for herself, and that soothes my exhausted, wine soaked heart.

I’m going to try to make another go at documenting more of this tornado of a life jake and I have made for ourselves. I want to so that at the end of the next 15 years, I don’t just see where we ended up, but that I can remember the small things. I want to remember how it sounds when Sam laughs so hard he cant breathe, and how Emma will only sleep with her frozen pillow and a stuffed animal named Pablo. I want to have tiny windows into this life for later. 

Even if they are full of exhausted mom rants and admitting to how many times I hid in my bathroom that week.

I say now that Im going to start writing here again….but the last time I said that was 3 years ago…and the time before that was 5 years ago…so, this could be the last time you hear from me for another 4 years. If you don’t hear from me, send help.