It has been literally
3 years since I wrote anything down here.
I would be embarrassed
by my utter failure as a blog writer, except that I’ve been drowning, or
treading in the water that is my children, with my head barely above it all for
literally 3 years.
My beautiful girl was
born, and I should have known when she took twice as long as her brother to get
out of there that I was about to meet the most stubborn, strong and fierce little
thing in my life. She has turned my world upside down, and to be fair it was
not even right side up to start with, so I can’t blame her for all the chaos.
When Emma was about 18
months old, and I was in the middle of yet another battle with a person that
seemed bigger than me and yet was only standing up to my knees, and felt
utterly defeated. When it was over, I was telling my sister in law about it and
feeling embarrassed, and she said, “that’s what is so great about Emma, she is
who she is, and she is owning that”.
I think that in all
the haze of the exhaustion and the pure frustration at her fiery little
personality, I missed that key point, and needed someone standing outside of
the ring that is Emma vs Mom, to show it back to me. I’ve been so grateful for
that in my life; for the people around me, showing me the pieces I’m missing,
and showing me the places I’m succeeding, because motherhood is a lot like looking
through a foggy window at the end of a long commute; at the end of the day, you
can see where you are but you don’t remember how you got there, or if anyone
fed the dog.
So now, when Emma
rears up at me, as she does several times a day, because, well, she’s Emma, I remember
to take pride in how she holds her own, and remember how important it is for a
woman to stand up for herself, and that soothes my exhausted, wine soaked
heart.
I’m going to try to
make another go at documenting more of this tornado of a life jake and I have
made for ourselves. I want to so that at the end of the next 15 years, I don’t just
see where we ended up, but that I can remember the small things. I want to remember
how it sounds when Sam laughs so hard he cant breathe, and how Emma will only
sleep with her frozen pillow and a stuffed animal named Pablo. I want to have
tiny windows into this life for later.
Even if they are full
of exhausted mom rants and admitting to how many times I hid in my bathroom
that week.
I say now that Im
going to start writing here again….but the last time I said that was 3 years
ago…and the time before that was 5 years ago…so, this could be the last time
you hear from me for another 4 years. If you don’t hear from me, send help.
