How this all started...

I should have known this was coming. I should have known on that warm day in Maui on the beach with the waves when Jake told me " See, I always thought a surprise pregnancy would be fun, you know, trying to figure it out and making it work" . My face told him I didnt agree, Little did I know, my ovaries were listening, and glued to every word Jake said. But that was ages ago. This is now.

I had recently started a brand new job as an RN in BC , it had taken me weeks to find work, and I finally felt like our life was coming together after our recent move, and my new, unwelcomed unemployment. As it turned out being on EI and staying home waiting for something to spark my interest...like maybe i would learn to sew...or bake...instead I worked on getting so bored that by the time Jake got home all i had done that day was sweep t he floor buy chips and 2 bottles of wine. Unemployment didn’t fit me just right.

 So I had started work. It was overwhelming, and I had just started my first stint of 12 hour shifts, trying to figure out how nurses in BC survive without the technology I had grown so accustomed to in Calgary. If any of you have ever done an orientation week as an RN to a new unit...you know the deal. Worst week ever. I was overtired, overwhelmed, and over stressed. So the lack of a period in my life that week, seemed at the time like a blessing.
 I mean I had enough to worry about, and obviously god was just giving me a helping hand, telling me, “ you know what madi, you have had a pretty heavy week with all this work saving lives and kicking ass so why dont I tell mother nature to just hold off for a couple days” and I was thinking, “Hey, thanks big guy” And Id high five him (theoretically of course) next week when my period came after my orientation was done.
So it was Friday night, and I was now officially 8 days late. No big deal, id been late before, and Id been much safer these past couple months since we had a scare early in the year. So I brushed it off, and made big plans for a wine soaked weekend in kamloops with a girlfriend from Calgary, because, obviously, I wasn’t pregnant.
So, Im making plans, and planning on following through when it occurs to me, its probably bad of me to just pretend like i havent missed my period. I mean, I AM a nurse. So this conversation goes on in my head:

“Yes yes, i know im not pregnant, but you know, its not exactly good karma to pretend nothing has happened and tap into a weekend full of wine and fun if something IS growing in there...which its not...”
So,that annoying  nursing training kicks in, and tells me that Im a huge hypocrite if i dont just check it out. I mean, if I was having shortness of breath and chest pain and pretended I didn’t..that would also chalk up to “did you NOT go to school for that?”
SO, we go into town that night, to pick up some dinner food, some wine, and a pregnancy test. Just a typical night in a long term relationship.
Jake at one point, pulls into an expectant mothers parking stall because he thinks its hilarious to poke at me until I break wide open. I tell him to knock it off, and that he’s going to feel really bad if I am pregnant and he just jinxed me...

So we get the usual, the 2 lines mean you’re pregnant, and the one line means you aren’t, and proceed to pick up some vegetables, some potatoes and check ourselves out of Safeway without a care in the world.
We drive the 15km out to our house, and I step into the bathroom before making dinner to have a quick pee, and some quick reassurance before I open my bottle of wine.
Line one comes up. Just like it always has before, I breathe a sigh of relief and place it down on the sink, happily flush away my worries and stand up wash my hands.
Thats when it happened.
The second line.
The little innocent pink  line that shouldn’t have the weight that it really REALLY does. Of all the lines I’ve seen before in my life...that one was not only the most significant...but also the most daunting. Most of the lines in my life have, for the most part, been pretty forgettable. Not heavy, thick lines that held my entire life on the edge of them...nope I hadn’t met any lines like that...until this pink one.
My new thought is that these lines should be made to appear as intimidating as they really are...even if you are expecting and hoping for that line, its still a big one...it should be flashing, or should make noise or sing a song, or even a jingle..Id even settle for a metallic colored line at least. something that seems better in a story than...well...the line was about as long as a fingernail and it was...a blush pink color....and it was life changing.

“Umm....the last time i took one of these it...it didnt have...you know..that faded ..that faded other line...”
A quick dash to the instructions.

Even though, I already know that just because its lighter than the other one, doesn’t mean its not there. It actually means the opposite. There is REALLY something there. On the test, and in my uterus.
So back in the car. back to the now seemingly 100km drive into town again.
My anxiety increasing, and Jake remaining ghostly calm. It’s as if we are a see saw. The more up I get the more calm  he gets, which in most cases is ideal....in this case, I just couldn’t understand why he wasn’t going though what birth plans, family vacations, behavioural medications and colleges we would have to figure out now that  that “other pink line” had emerged.
So. We emerge from london drugs with 2 digital read pregnancy tests. No more line fooling around. Jake bought them. I was too anxious thinking that if Im already judging me, that little old lady at the counter is also judging. oh, and i was going to throw up on something.
Back into the car. Back onto the longest drive Ive ever been on to get back to a toilet and a safe place to freak out.

Into the house and into the bathroom.

I talked to this one before I peed on it. “come on stick...you know the deal...we don’t just “get” pregnant...its actually a scientifically tricky thing to pull off...according to my nursing education...however..”

Pee. Wait. 2 Minutes. Jake takes the test away from me so i cant stare at it.
Pregnant-2-3 weeks.
So. The panic sets in. the tears start and the overwhelming feeling that Im suddenly 18 and knocked up by my highschool boyfriend lingers. How am I going to tell people what has happened! everyone is going judge us, i mean how could we have done this.....
then jake sets it straight. We’re 25, not 18. We’ve been together for 3 years, and are married. we have a house, we have degrees and careers, and were planning on a family sometime in the next year or two anyways.
Oh right.
This is something I did say I wanted....I forgot about that..
And yet, the fear is still there.
So. we order pizza.
I dont calm down. But I pretend I do....Jake is excited and happy, hes making peace with this pregnancy and Im considering driving back into town to get another 5 digital tests....im sure one of them will come out right.
Different places for sure.
Maybe thats normal....
and so we go to bed. To the first of many a  sleepless night for the next nine months