To my Bear Cub...

Dear Unborn Baby/  Bear cub.

I feel its important for us to talk about how this next 20 years is going to go. If we get it all out now..and by we i mean me, then you  don’t get to talk back or tell me your opinion and I get to just tell you my thoughts while you listen.

I have a feeling this is one of the only points in our lifelong relationship that I have your undivided attention. Im literally the only one you hang out with and know. So lets chat.

First of all. You are coming into t he world pretty soon.  and that is care of mommy and her special area. Lets make this be as easy as possible shall we? I doubt birth is ideal for you too, theres alot of squeezing and things going on for you, so lets make sure the pace is fast, and that you just cooperate with whatever my body is trying to do and come on out when my uterus starts telling you its time. That would be great.  Because chances are Momma is gonna be trying to convince herself that you could just continue to live in my belly forever to avoid the inevitable...so its best you are board with the plan.

Secondly. Im pretty sure that Im going to be WAY too in love with you. Now, this will be ideal for you while you are little and sweet and obsessed with everything mom, but come those teen years/adult years, keep in mind this mentality will probably not change...and you will need to start learning patience early, I would apoligize for this but lets be honest, its my right to love you too much.

Third.  Your dad is going to go out of his way to make you like boy things all the time i bet.  Like football and tools and everything Canucks. Ive made peace with this since you are a baby boy and lets face it you were bound to learn about these things sometime. However, I would like to put my two bits in about this.  Sunday football day is something we can accommodate as long as you still give me hugs on Sundays and bake cookies with me on other days. I don’t think this should be a tough sell since being my son you will probably thouroughly enjoy cookie dough and milk dunking as much as me. 

(awaiting the gasp that usually comes from moms  who would NEVER let their kids have uncooked cookie dough)

(Im doing it.)

I have also made my own sort of peace t hat you are going to want to be like Jake. Hes a pretty neat guy most of the time, and for the most part I would be nothing short of thrilled if you turned out to be even half the guy he is, however, i do have some bullet points that should be addressed:

I don’t finish the bottom of drinks-never have never will- do not side with him on this.

Its okay to use toothpaste and not put the lid back on, people survive this and can live happy lives despite a messy toothpaste situation so don’t believe everything your father tells you.

Mommy likes true blood and private practice and nothing daddy says will change that.

Mommy  hates spiders and daddy kills them for her: this will be a tradition that will passed on to you. There will be no “therapy” for mommy to get over her fears, you both are going to be men about  it and just deal.

AND, if mommy wants to learn to crochet or is crocheting at some point throughout your life, its not because she is old, its because she is broadening her horizons, and damn it its better than picking up smoking.

However, if at some point mommy starts wanting to learn to scrapbook, we all have cause for concern.

Fourth. I am having a hard time with the day that you will be able to run and fall down, and get stung by bees, and fight on playgrounds, and drive and get speeding tickets, and drink and kiss girls. Yes its years away, but im almost 7 months pregnant now, getting very horomonal and have worked really hard to make you, and the idea of you damaging the (what im assuming will be) masterpiece of a child I am making you into really stresses me out. So lets be careful out there, and when you are about to do something stupid just think about my face judging you when i find out what it was you did.

AND think of the 4 months of pure vomit, and what im only assuming hours of pain and torture i endured to get you here.

Five. Don’t hang out with losers. And by losers i don’t mean the kid at school that is really smart, cause that kid is going places, i mean the kids that bring 100 dollar bills for pizza pockets at school, smokes pot cause it makes him “smarter”, owns his own boat the same year that every other kid gets a bike and wears cologne at age 9. I hate that kid.  And I will prove to you that these kids go no where at a later date in time. 

Six. You and me are doing the sex talk for the most part. Jake will be there yes, but his version of the sex talk is mostly for his entertainment at your uncomfortableness and his need to give you a talk that should be aired on some early evening sitcom. Mine is going to be the real deal, and you are going to just hate it. But, mine is the one that will save you the trip to the doctor cause your pee is burning or some girl got pregnant even though the pull and pray is “like totally effective if you do it right...” hells no, we are going over the big picture in moms talk.  And yes, i will be bringing a pregnant woman to this talk.

So so far, this is what i would like covered. I think each year of your life i will add an addendum  though, Since i have yet to meet you and find out what i really should be afraid of in the years to come, its only fair that i keep adding to the mix.

Anyways, I will get back to baking you and you can get back to kicking me in the ribs and getting hiccups when im trying to sleep on my break in the hospital on night shifts and we will be a big happy family in November when you arrive and mommy can have a glass of wine again.

All the love in the world.

Soon to be momma bear.