Dear Stretch Mark.

You are rude.
You sit there...existing as if you deserve to.
I wake up enjoying my day and then you show your face, sprawled out there across my once cute huge belly.
You are dark like night and evil.
If you could speak you would speak with a thick growl in your voice. Like a grumpy old man. or like a witch. and it would hurt my ears.
If you had a smell you would smell like old milk.
You keep crawling across my abdomen with each passing week, despite any and all efforts to keep you at bay.
Its as shocking and as depressing as coming back to my car and seeing a parking ticket.
You are like swear words written in my skin.
Wikipedia says you are due to my raging horomones and to the fact that theres a human growing inside me, but that is no excuse and i want you to leave.
My husband says the more of you that arrive, the more the baby loves me....I think he is trying to avoid triggering said raging horomones from unleashing themselves on him.
I have concerns you and him have some sort of covert deal going on behind my back. And god knows i cant turn around quick enough to notice if you do.
So if there is some conspiring going on back there where you are allowed to keep showing up and he will keep trying to convince me of strange reasons they are there like "that one means he will be smart" and "that one means he loves you" i would appreciate it if you both would not anymore.
At this pace Jake is going to start running out of nice things to say and Im going to forget my skin color used to be a pretty peachy color and assume that dark agressive purple is normal.
I will make peace with the fact that you being there on the outside does mean the baby is getting big and fat in the inside...but thats enough please.
You have overstayed your welcome. and there was no welcome in the first place, so overall you are just intruding on my life and my body.
Rude.
here are some images of said stretch marks and their anger on my poor baby filled tummy...via my awesome paint program skills.

You will note: here-no stretch marks. happy belly.

Stretch Marks Arrive and swear at me.

What i see when i look in the mirror.....aggressive words written in my tummy.
HOWEVER: This is what i see when i close my eyes and ignore the war that is ensueing between my skin and this pregnancy.......

So. Fine. Stretch marks, you are here...but soon so will the bear cub, and then i will be so distracted with diapers, lack of sleep, and the never ending cries for more milk that i will forget you exist.

Oh, and at that point i will get to play with the little thing that caused you, and im assuming hes going to be cute enough for me to forget about any ugliness ever happened to bake him.

In. Your. Big. Purple. Face.