What Pregnancy is via cartoon.

Pregnancy isnt for the mild hearted couple. If you plan on gettin involved in this mess of a game called growing a human with another person, then make sure you like that person ALOT, cause let me tell you...it aint pretty for most of the time. I have cartooned just some of the "beauty" of pregnancy to clarify why its important to love the person you are doing it with....cause if you were just "so so" before...its going to get messy...fast....both literally and metaphorically.

Here we are. Happy couple meet pregnancy.

Pregnancy: " Oh hi there, you two look like a lovely couple, why dont i join you for nine months?

Couple: "sure! then we get to have a baby at the end of it!"

Pregnancy: "Oh sorry, did i forget to mention that you still have to love her through endless days of vomitting?"

Boy: "oh....thats okay..."

Pregnancy: "Oh did i forget to tell you that her belly will become much much larger than a watermelon under her skin?
Boy: "oh...well thats okay! that just means theres a baby in there..."

Pregnancy: "Oh did i mention that that big baby belly is going to become marked up with red and purple lines because im making her grow too fast? "
Boy: "oh....well...those will fade...its all a part of the process..."

Pregnancy: "alas, i may not have told you that i am going to make her extremities swell also. They will probably twice the size, and having her put shoes on will be a really big effort"

Boy: "oh dear....well we can work on elevating them up..."

Pregnancy: " Whoops, also, because of everythign else that has gone on physically to her, she also will now become super emotional and horomonal throughout this whole process...so you may notice she cries more and throws mini tantrums for no reason.."

Boy: " I wish there was something i could do to help..."

Pregnancy: Oooooh, right...and you are going to see her in a very messy, very intimate way when that baby decides to come out...there will be bad words and some images you will wish you hadnt seen"

Boy: "Holy cow."

Pregnancy: " congratulations for making it through....now you get the prize."

Boy: "totally worth it."

So. Its a process. But people keep telling me its a worthwhile one :)

Whoopsies.

Dear Lower Extremities.

Unfortunately I had forgotten about you until just recently. Yes I knew you were there but to be honest, as long as you were getting gme up and out of bed, I didn’t remember I used to maintain you somewhat. So when I looked down last week and saw hair growing its own little forest on my neglected legs I was actually surprised. I also noticed that my skin was tight and dry. This is because I had been focusing so much on making sure my swelling, overstretched, hugely tight tummy was being greased up to prevent stretch marks which turned out to be a huge waste of time.  So I put it on my list of things to do: shave legs. I got into my tiny corner shower and attempted this.  You can imagine how bad that turned out. Since I can barely turn around in this shower, me attempting to lift a leg and then bend to shave it....there was cave man noises and alot of swear words. I got out and sat down for ten minutes to regain both my sanity and my breath.  Epic fail.

So I drew a bath for myself. Sounds nice. Warm water, nice smelling soaps, and a nice relaxing environment for my big pregnant body.   First of all, I don’t fit in this bathtub that well anymore either. I definitely don’t submerge even a little bit. Id actually go as far as to say I  can only submerge like 60% of my body now.  So I settled in, picked up my razor, and went to shave my legs. I now realise that when I attempt to bend over to put shoes on and its impossible so I quit...that its the same motion I make when I would be sitting straight legged and reaching for my calves. Either way, again, it was less that successful. So after LITERALLY 15 minutes of me maneuvering my legs and my hand to half ass shave the forest off my legs, I quit. It wasn’t perfect, ....it wasn’t even adequate, but It felt like a success.

Then moisturizer....well to be honest, at this point was just utterly defeated by this whole lower extremity p rocess so Jake puts lotion on my legs at night time now. Because I can lead against a wall and elevate my leg up. Pathetic I know, but these are the realities of a woman whos belly exceeds the realms of normal body proportions.

I also literally CANNOT breathe lately. I couldn’t breathe WELL before, but now its seriously the hugest effort. I yawn and my diaphragm hits my uterus and I flinch in pain and only get half the yawn out.  Its a sad process.

I also had a fun time last weekend....not. I apparently picked up some sor t of bug and it landed me in the hospital. Apparently vomiting and diarrhea for a prego is super bad news....well thats what my uterus started telling me around 4 am when it started contracting about every 20 minutes.  No shit.  Well actually lots of shit. Hahahaha, TMI I know.  So after I continued to vomit even pedialyte and water aggressively and with serious abdominal pain to the point that I couldn’t catch my breath,  Healthlink and my sister advised a quick trip into the hospital. 

Quick trip. Right. Apparently I was in kind of rough shape. Vital sign wise, heart rate was too high, blood pressure was low and I kept vomiting while they were trying to get some numbers on the watermelon in my tummy. Then those numbers came back not great either, poor little pumpkin had a heart racing way faster than a teenage girl who just met justin beieber.  SO, start the fluid resuscitation. Open IV lines into the arm and push as much volume as possible,  super super super shitty. Plus gravol and continous fetal monitoring, and apparently regular contractions.  Sigh. So I fall asleep and wake up with a fever. I knew what that meant. Fever=madi stays in hospital.  Boo urns.  So 18 hours, 5L of fluid, 3 blood draws, 5 doses of gravol, 10 hours of listening to the babies heart rate, and a very sore IV site and they let me leave.

Needless to say, I was exhausted, like beyond exhausted. I was a walking zombie....a walking very swollen and hole filled zombie mamma.  Its been 3 full days since I have been out and im finally able to do laundry and make myself meals without needing to  nap for 3 hours. Pregnancy makes everything magnified I have learned. But that makes sense I guess .I mean, normally, I could recooperate fine in a day or two, this wasn’t an even match up though. I had a baby growing in me too. So I had only half the toughness I usually do.  Sigh.  Either way though, we all pulled through just fine and I think the only real damage done was the emotional stress on poor Jake.

Now. I am beyond beyond swollen. I wake up and the side of the face ive been sleeping on is so swollen that my eye barely opens and my jaw is sore to move.  Then I get up and my feet and hands explode out .And I pee every  15 minutes now. Because the fluid is starting to come out...but my bladder cant take much more than like 50cc of fluid since the baby is on it...it makes for a challenging day.

Im going to post pictures of my huge feet...and my huge belly. 

Big time baby in my belly.

More photos of the chaos that is pregnancy....this little guy is going to be a big one.

There was a time...

There was a time when the sun went down and I didnt yawn and stretch and head to bed.

There was a time when my boobs went out farther from my body than my belly did.

There was a time when I would chew my nails and not have to rechew them for weeks.

There was a time when watching commercials with babies on it didnt make me cry.

There was a time when I could work a 12 hour shift, and not shudder in pain for the next 3 days because my hips felt like they had literally separated.

There was a time when Jake and I would lock ourselves in the house, drink 3 bottles of wine, and have dance parties in our kitchen.

There was a time when heartburn was something my dad got after dinner.

There was a time when the scale and me ....well we werent friends, but we were on terms we both could understand...

There was a time when I didnt need to eat 4 boxes of Runts just to feel good about my afternoon.

There was a time when I didnt spend half the day worrying over the stretching and dilating of my body one day just weeks from now..        

There was a time when my bladder was actually a useful organ, not a flimsy wimp of a thing at the mercy of an invading uterus.

There was a time when I walked normally, with no strange gait or waddle.

There was a time when getting out of a car was something I could do WITHOUT a 30 second pep talk.

There was a time when farting was something that happened only periodically.

THere was a time when my brain worked, and was efficient and thorough.

There was a time when if my shoe didn’t slip on I would bend over to put it on, instead of cancelling my whole day and sitting back down.

There was a time when I could lift things without feeling like my entire body was going to come out of my special area.

There was a time when Jake had never read a book about birth...it was a simpler time.

There was  a time that a mucous plug was something that just sounded gross and couldn’t be real

There was a time when jake would steam roll me in bed to wake me up....rude.

There was a time when wine was water, and water was not something that could break inside me.

There was a time when Jake would never had made me get up to do squats with him because "the book said so"

There was a time when i didnt spend time in my morning planning out my day specifically to how long i could be out without my feet swelling, and with the least amount of stops to avoid getting in and out of the car.

There was a time when I could sleep on my belly, or on my side, or turn side to side without sounding like I just finished a race.

There was a time when vomiting was only something that happened to me after nursing parties

There was a time when stretch marks were only something I noticed in my well used clothing..not my skin.

There was a time when my uterus was theoretical to me...not a very real part of my every day functioning.

There was a time when the only thing my body could grow was leg hair and fingernails.

There was a  time when “ring of fire” was the name of some cool movie and not a medical term of something that will happen to me.

And now. Im pregnant. 35 weeks and a bit to be right on the money. So everything is different now. Obviously more difficult, but im hoping  that five weeks from now,  I will have a list of cool things that I do now instead of the things I cant do. ...like make a baby that looks like me and little bit and jake a little bit smile.

And finish all the Ubrew wine we’ve made in under a week.

I will keep you posted on both.

Check this out

FOr reals, this is me. I was getting into bed last night and Jake was blown away by how HUGE this abdomen that is attached to me is. We laughed about how enourmous it has gotten without us really noticing...well without HIM noticing...I notice on a daily, minute by minute basis. And yet it still surprises me. Anyways..... check this out.

ps. I have edited out stretch marks so as not to upset everyone...mostly myself.

Umm hello there person in the mirror...have we met?

So who is this person I have become?

I was trying to explain to Jake the other night how confusing being pregnant is. He doesn’t get my irrational thought processes, the dreams I have where me and Jake are in high school and we need to go a “break” and I wake up crying, the frustration that can emerge just because I cant get the lid off of a jar,  or my new development of wanting him around all the time, everyday.

Its kind of hard to explain to someone that isn’t or hasn’t been through a pregnancy, and its almost impossible to explain to man.

Women have a hard enough time for the most part knowing who they are and accepting that about themselves. They see their bodies and consider it and what should be different, what they liked that someone else had, and how they can pose themselves in photos to avoid certain flaws. Its serious. Its a truth that you all know you do, and if you are a boy, you really weren’t supposed to know. So anyways, we want shorter hair so we cut it, and then we cry because we loved our long hair, we buy a new outfit thinking it will change our lives but find that nobody really noticed it....except for our girlfriends (thank god for girlfriends), we work to lose weight and then complain that we didn’t lose it from the RIGHT place,  we gain weight according to a scale and suddenly see it all over like thick blanket that we are sure everyone else is just staring at. We’re women. And we cant help ourselves. Women are wonderful. They are empathetic and wonderful listeners, multi taskers and efficiency experts, eager to improve ourselves at every turn, whether its in their careers, their hobbies, their friendships, or their love lives, although for the most part, in my opinion, you cant improve on the perfection that is a woman.

Back to the topic.

We then come to some sort of terms with our mirror images, we make peace, make friends and try to not be our own worst enemies.  So we have now come to accept how we appear. Then there comes the acceptance of who we really are.  We want to be the best at everything all the time. Why is that so hard to understand? We want to be the boss,  run the show perfectly, be the best friend possible, be a nice girlfriend/wife,  raise the kids, win the marathon, finish the grocery shopping, plan a trip to Italy, raise the most money for a charity, make the big paycheques, and obviously, look amazing the whole time. So we consistently are let down. But eventually, you start to learn how much you can take on while maintaining your sanity. You learn how to enjoy your own company,  how to spoil yourself and how to appreciate yourself.  Again, this is a LONG process that women work on for their entire lives. We reluctantly accept our flaws, and learn our weaknesses, and figure out what we can have on our plate before we get sick (both theoretically and literally),  and go to sleep at night with some state of peace with who we are and what we are and what we want. Because we want everything at once, and at the same time are never really ready to commit to the responsibility that may be slyly attached.  Yes, we know we are confusing creatures, we have a hard enough time figuring out our own hearts and heads so stop reminding us.

Anyways, so we finally get to a sort of inner calm, where we learn to balance and manage our lives without wanting too much at once, or ever settling for not enough.

Then pregnancy happens. And life as we, women, know it, is 100% different.

My brain has been hijacked by a very VERY whiney woman.  She is always telling me how sore she is, how stressed she is, how lonely she is and how huge she is. She sits there weighing me down,  and its hard some days to ignore her. But I do, for the most part, she sits there in my head crying whenever a pin drops for no reason, and stomping around in frustration when she spills sugar.....but there are times, I can admit willingly, that she wins, and she comes out of me in full force, like when im watching commercials about babies, that woman wins those times, and we both sob uncontrollably because we know nobody is watching. Typically im fairly put together around other people... its hard to not be embarrassed of your emotions when you literally have no say in where they are coming from.  Some days I wake up feeling great, and then realise that I have to shower that day, and my mood just drops to below zero degrees. Its honestly its own little soap opera going on in my head and its EXHAUSTING telling someone in your head to pipe down all the time. And reigning her back in is also super hard, once she is out, she’s like a hurricane of hormones that I cant seem to get a grasp on, and at the time, don’t even want to.

Then there's that body you  had, as a woman grown to appreciate and know toes to eyebrows. Weeeellll thats gone. Its not yours anymore, its something you literally cannot figure out. Its swollen, and awkward, it makes noises youve never heard,  grows in places you had become accustomed to at a certain manageable size and aches in every place imaginable.  Your tummy becomes its own planet,  your boobs become big enough to LITERALLY carry another baby in,  your nose bleeds, your stomach revolts with heartburn, your  feet swell,  your fingers tingle,  you bladder  becomes a useless organ, your heart races, your appetite changes, and you wake up in the middle of the night jus t to burp.

Its the STRANGEST thing to get out of the shower, look at your once familiar body, and see the body full on pregnant that has replaced it. Sometimes i just stand there waiting for that person thats looking back at me to say, "oh hi madi, Im pregnant madi, we havent met but ive slowly been transforming you into me, its nice to meet you" . Yeah, again,  Im a little bit crazy i think. This belly cant be mine? And these boobs are definately not the ones i remember, was that second chin always there? why are my cheeks so red? The realisation that you have no control over this strange physique that is ever changing  becomes its own emotional battle. Every stretch mark becomes a personal loss,  every burp becomes a necessity, and every pound on weighs on not just your joints, but also your heart.

YES, its a wonderful thing, growing babies is super amazing and incredible, I agree....or I agreed when it was happening to other women...to other women’s minds and bodies....now that its mine, its a daily overwhelming realisation that I have minimal control over my head, and almost no control over my own body. It just keeps on growing, ....and my belly just keeps on moving without cause or effort from me. Because there's a PERSON in there now....is anyone else super weirded out by that?!  Literally, my body will get the hiccups....and I wont.  If that’s not rattling, what is?!

Its become apparent that I don’t quite know this woman I am right now. Shes strange, and she does weird things, and wants odd things, gets in and out of cars in bizarre ways, breathes like a marathon runner just from getting out of bed, crys because she cant find something to watch on TV, and waddles when she does ANYTHING.  But I’m counting on the fact that even though I feel like everyday I re-meet her,  that she is going to know exactly what to do when it comes to pushing out a baby. I have a feeling, that her and this huge body she lives in has one purpose, and that is to make a baby that is healthy and comes out of me when its time.  So she can hang out for a few more weeks I guess.  Although once this is all over, and my squash baby is here,  Id appreciate her taking a leave of absence ASAP...and for her to take the extra 25 lbs she brought with her.

Remember that time i was skinny? no? me neither.

Well hello there, you may not recognize me these days,  I’m that huge sweaty lady standing beside you breathing heavier than the guy that just ran a marathon, and holding her back/belly/ hips like an 80 year old woman when bending, sitting, standing....overall just existing. That’s me.  Doesn’t look much like the old me I know...remember that girl? Man. She was fun.  And much skinnier. And way better to invite out for a night of mayhem. These days, my mayhem nights are nights where me and Jake stay up until Eleven....on a weekend night....

Jake has somehow adopted my attitude as well. He’s surprised when we stay up past nine thirty at night and almost more tired by the end of the day than I am.  Some may speculate its due to the fact that he has to deal with me being pregnant all day long....but id ont even feel bad for him. If he thinks being AROUND me being pregnant is exhausting, well try BEING me while pregnant...I make myself crazy pants...with hysterical crying listening to country music, sudden onsets of depression when trying on my clothes,  bizarre laughing fits that turn into me crying, and just trying to do everything I used to do when I wasn’t pregnant ....i used to be a great multi tasker....these days multi tasking looks more like me starting alot of things and then sitting down on the couch with a glass of milk instead of finishing anything.

Which then leads to emotional moments when I find that I haven’t finished anything I started that day...

Who is this strange person I have become?

Even my mom noticed how boring I am these days...it says something when I cant even stay up to ten pm to finish watching greys anatomy with my mom on the couch because im just done with that day. ..again...who is this person?

And also?  Where did my feet go?

Walking down any form of staircase is super tricky. Its almost a cruel joke, I hav eto lean forward to see the next step, but me leaning forward means giving into the huge amount of weight  that has suddenly popped up in front of me, making me lose balance. So I pretty much hold on to anything near by while walking these days. Including Jake.

And, I can feel little limbs inside me. Pushing against me and rolling around and, well to be honest, they push back when I push on them to get them out of my ribcage. Doesn’t this baby know I need my ribs for breathing and functioning?  And hello, my lungs are under there...and breathing is already tricky so...

Me and this little guy are going to go over some serious anatomy lessons when he’s out.

HOWEVER, I have decided that I have a new career up and coming. It is nursery decorating...although it makes me sad to think some mom out there wouldn’t want to decorate her own nursery for her little baby...she would be one of those really rich moms that just wants to show her friends her vera Wang mobile and fendi crib bumper. Judged. So maybe this isn’t a career I would be into.

Although, I am pretty impressed by my little nursery.  And I think that the baby will like it. Although I don’t really think he cares...I’ve learned, and Jake has learned that nurseries are more for the mom to be than for the baby.  Since he can barely even see as a newborn I don’t know if he will truly appreciate the beautiful tree wall decal I’ve bought for him ...and me. I think that also my new sobriety has lead to more creativity....that’s the only reason I can come up with for my new found interest in thank you card making and scrapbooks. However, I will gladly give up this new found creative side of my brain for wine again in 7 weeks.

Me and Jake also have our prenatal class coming up.  That should be more that interesting. I accidentally bought jake a book to help him prepare for the event that I will call “the big show” (this is when the baby the size of a watermelon will come out of me), I now regret this decision. Jake started reading it last night. ..since then I have had numerous tasks and recommendations by Jake via the book about how to make labour easier.

Jake literally wants me to do squats with him everyday. Squatting is something that at this point in my pregnancy...and at this WEIGHT im at, I think a solid squat will just straight up push the baby out accidentally. He also has already started lecturing me about drinking during labour, and how I am “not allowed to get mad” when he tells me I need to drink.

Let me make this clear. At some point during the big show , where  I AM THE MAIN EVENT, and the baby is the big star, Jakes needs are going to be lost in the mess.  Even if Jakes needs are to make sure Im drinking enough, or whatever.  I have a strong feeling there will be a point where Jake wants to tell me something else he learned about how I can cope better and I will accidentally punch him.  I wont mean to, but I have a feeling it will feel like life and death at that point, and nobody can be held responsible for their reactions at a time like that.

Again. We will see where this book takes mine and Jakes relationship. We only have to push through the next 7 weeks....lets all send happy thoughts to my huge belly, my already stressed out baby doorway, and Jakes wellbeing.

Nursery Love to Follow :)

Dear Stretch Mark.

You are rude.
You sit there...existing as if you deserve to.
I wake up enjoying my day and then you show your face, sprawled out there across my once cute huge belly.
You are dark like night and evil.
If you could speak you would speak with a thick growl in your voice. Like a grumpy old man. or like a witch. and it would hurt my ears.
If you had a smell you would smell like old milk.
You keep crawling across my abdomen with each passing week, despite any and all efforts to keep you at bay.
Its as shocking and as depressing as coming back to my car and seeing a parking ticket.
You are like swear words written in my skin.
Wikipedia says you are due to my raging horomones and to the fact that theres a human growing inside me, but that is no excuse and i want you to leave.
My husband says the more of you that arrive, the more the baby loves me....I think he is trying to avoid triggering said raging horomones from unleashing themselves on him.
I have concerns you and him have some sort of covert deal going on behind my back. And god knows i cant turn around quick enough to notice if you do.
So if there is some conspiring going on back there where you are allowed to keep showing up and he will keep trying to convince me of strange reasons they are there like "that one means he will be smart" and "that one means he loves you" i would appreciate it if you both would not anymore.
At this pace Jake is going to start running out of nice things to say and Im going to forget my skin color used to be a pretty peachy color and assume that dark agressive purple is normal.
I will make peace with the fact that you being there on the outside does mean the baby is getting big and fat in the inside...but thats enough please.
You have overstayed your welcome. and there was no welcome in the first place, so overall you are just intruding on my life and my body.
Rude.
here are some images of said stretch marks and their anger on my poor baby filled tummy...via my awesome paint program skills.

You will note: here-no stretch marks. happy belly.

Stretch Marks Arrive and swear at me.

What i see when i look in the mirror.....aggressive words written in my tummy.
HOWEVER: This is what i see when i close my eyes and ignore the war that is ensueing between my skin and this pregnancy.......

So. Fine. Stretch marks, you are here...but soon so will the bear cub, and then i will be so distracted with diapers, lack of sleep, and the never ending cries for more milk that i will forget you exist.

Oh, and at that point i will get to play with the little thing that caused you, and im assuming hes going to be cute enough for me to forget about any ugliness ever happened to bake him.

In. Your. Big. Purple. Face.

Hugeness.

Pictures of the Enourmity, since I have a feeling that nobody is really believing me....so when I say Im heavy breathing trying to get out of bed, or out of cars, or up from the couch...im serious. If you had this attached to you, you would be panting like an animal too.
I am officially on sebatical from work for the next 12 days as well, I instead will be writing blogs, reading, and making cinnamon buns. Quite enjoyable i must say.
I also dont get to see Jake for the next 2 weeks, meaning he may not even recognize me when he sees planets orbiting me two weeks from now....i can only assume thats what is about to happen any day now.

anyways, again, enjoy your baby free bodies ladies...one day this is going to happen to you too....and its going to make you wish you had appreciated your unstretched unscathed body that much more.

The Name Game.

So there’s the name issue. What to name this little person that is now big enough to literally push against me in every direction at once, that’s how little space i have left in my belly. Jake felt him last night, pushing against me, perhaps trying to convince me to get up since i was on my side, and Jake has felt him before, but never like this, this kid was trying to break out of my uterus ...thank god hes not smart enough yet to know where the door is...

Either way Jake freaked out,

“you feel this all the time?! This is insane...”

Tell me about it. The other day i was sitting on the floor cross legged leaning (as much as possible) forward and he kicked me/pushed me and my boob moved.  There’s that much effort there. So maybe he will be a tough little thing.

Anyways,  i have 9 weeks to name this baby.  Holy cow does time ever fly. I can say that now because its so close, and its becoming startling obvious that there IS a baby in me, and that either he’s  going to be coming out soon, or I’m going to explode.  To be honest, its probably a combination of both, he IS coming out AND im going to explode.  Yikes.

I am sitting here writing this and feeling this little baby in there pushing my laptop away. Not bumping it, pushing on it. So I have recently started pushing back...I have a feeling this is how our relationship will be once he’s a teenager, he will push the boundaries and limits I set and I need to start learning how to push back at some point. This is the easiest way to start. Also, its a little alarming that he responds to me now...Im thinking its some kind of knee I’m pushing back on...which also...kind of alarming.

Anyways, I have to name this baby. I think that’s what I had been talking about....

So theres lots of concerns when naming a baby....things you don’t really think about until you LITERALLY have to name one ...not just theoretically speaking. I always used to think i just KNEW the names i would choose because at that point, its easy, since there was no human growing in me that literally needed a name in 9 weeks.

SO the issues are as follows:

1.Do you like it? 

Theres lots of names that are strong good names for boys, but you have to actually like the name, you have to like how it sounds . Does it only sound good when you say it in reference to someone else or does it sound like something you want to name your unborn child? Do you want to say it for the rest of your life in reference to your family?  Does it sound good when you say it happily and when you sternly use it? Cause with a little boy that may be super important when he has decided to mix dirt into your cookie dough batter.

2. Did you ever date/know/hate someone with that name?

This doesn’t seem that huge, because to you, you’re like, well i wouldn’t choose a name that was attached to someone i had some negative feelings towards, so we’re safe there. However, you are forgetting that you didn’t get pregnant alone. Theres that guy that owns half that baby too involved and he also has known like 500 people in his life, so when you combine them, you get messy. Say youve met like 500 people in your life, chances are you haven’t been pumped on at least 25% of them, either you didn’t like them, or you did like them but they aren’t people you could ever name your child after. So theres like 125 people with names you don’t like for sure. OR you have people in your life you adore, but its weird to name your baby after that person, like your good friends, so there's another say 15% of people you adore, so you cant really use their name as the first name of your baby. So theres another 75 names you don’t want to use because they are too involved/relevant in your life. Now combine that 200 names with the 200 names your husband also has in his book and you have just elimated like 400 names. ( okay so this may be slightly dramatic but you get the point) This again, limits the name game.

3. Whats in a name?

So you both have found a name that is sounding like you are finally on the right track...and then you look up what it means. Say, Sawyer? Sounds good, okay so lets see what it means...

“Man who Saws Wood”

Hm. Well thats not very powerful. And kind of disappointing.  Okay so say you like the name Mason:

“Bricklayer” or “Man who lays Brick”

Again. Not exactly the meaning of the name I would like for my new baby....However, I am a nurse and I have hammered with the CRITICAL THINKING side of things...so instead, i will search meanings and choose my babies name from there....

Okay so lets search for names that mean good things...like Strength:

Armstrong

Dureau

Bernard

......hm. well....this isn’t ideal either...

Okay so names that mean Peaceful:

Korey

Wilfredo

Fred

.....This isn’t working either.

There you go, some examples of how annoying it can be to choose a name for a child that you haven’t met and don’t want to doom to a life of sawing wood or laying bricks simply because you liked how it sounded....

However, that being said, this cant be that relevant since lots of people name their babies names that sound awesome, LIKE sawyer and say to hell with what it means, its my kid and he will make his name his own.  I need to be more like that. That would make things easier for sure. And the worst part is that i AGREE with that logic, so why I cant apply this to naming my own baby is bizarre.

4.  Middle names

So you have chosen a nice name for your baby. Say its John.  So what is Johns middle name? It has to flow you know. Sigh.  So you can do a one syllable first name with a two syllable middle name like John Michael.  But John Jack...or John Sean...or John Chad....doesn’t sound so awesome. Or a long first name like Alexander, with a short middle name like Alexander John....it gets complicated.

AND are you going to use a name that’s in your family? Are you going to middle name the baby with someone’s name? And how do you choose which name? Or what if all the family names have been used? Do you just use a name you like the sound of? Or do you choose one from you or your husband? AGAIN more confusion.

5. So say you get through ALL these things... you find the perfect name and everything is great, and you live in a world of simplicity and wonderment....but then you meet the baby. He has blue eyes instead of brown, and a smile that doesn’t quite say Michael John Smith to you....he seems more gentle than competitive....he is calm instead of rowdy....so now your perfect world has crashed around you because the perfect name you chose, doesn’t suit the perfect baby you just met.

This is what will happen to me i think.

So you see my predicament. I have learned to never judge what people name their kid because man...it sucks to figure out.  And i kind of envy the parents that just say forget it, im naming this baby and thats that. I also think that just because you have opinions about names, you don’t really get to have opinions in naming someone else’s baby, since as i have clearly pointed out, its tricky work.

So far we do have some names figured out, we have like 4 on the table. But chances are good that come that day in November, I will be overly emotional and decide that his name will be something crazy like Arnie...or Archie.

Or maybe he will come out and just tell me his name. That would be both awesome and super helpful.

Im banking on the fact that once i meet him his name will become pretty clear. And if not, Jake will do it.

To my Bear Cub...

Dear Unborn Baby/  Bear cub.

I feel its important for us to talk about how this next 20 years is going to go. If we get it all out now..and by we i mean me, then you  don’t get to talk back or tell me your opinion and I get to just tell you my thoughts while you listen.

I have a feeling this is one of the only points in our lifelong relationship that I have your undivided attention. Im literally the only one you hang out with and know. So lets chat.

First of all. You are coming into t he world pretty soon.  and that is care of mommy and her special area. Lets make this be as easy as possible shall we? I doubt birth is ideal for you too, theres alot of squeezing and things going on for you, so lets make sure the pace is fast, and that you just cooperate with whatever my body is trying to do and come on out when my uterus starts telling you its time. That would be great.  Because chances are Momma is gonna be trying to convince herself that you could just continue to live in my belly forever to avoid the inevitable...so its best you are board with the plan.

Secondly. Im pretty sure that Im going to be WAY too in love with you. Now, this will be ideal for you while you are little and sweet and obsessed with everything mom, but come those teen years/adult years, keep in mind this mentality will probably not change...and you will need to start learning patience early, I would apoligize for this but lets be honest, its my right to love you too much.

Third.  Your dad is going to go out of his way to make you like boy things all the time i bet.  Like football and tools and everything Canucks. Ive made peace with this since you are a baby boy and lets face it you were bound to learn about these things sometime. However, I would like to put my two bits in about this.  Sunday football day is something we can accommodate as long as you still give me hugs on Sundays and bake cookies with me on other days. I don’t think this should be a tough sell since being my son you will probably thouroughly enjoy cookie dough and milk dunking as much as me. 

(awaiting the gasp that usually comes from moms  who would NEVER let their kids have uncooked cookie dough)

(Im doing it.)

I have also made my own sort of peace t hat you are going to want to be like Jake. Hes a pretty neat guy most of the time, and for the most part I would be nothing short of thrilled if you turned out to be even half the guy he is, however, i do have some bullet points that should be addressed:

I don’t finish the bottom of drinks-never have never will- do not side with him on this.

Its okay to use toothpaste and not put the lid back on, people survive this and can live happy lives despite a messy toothpaste situation so don’t believe everything your father tells you.

Mommy likes true blood and private practice and nothing daddy says will change that.

Mommy  hates spiders and daddy kills them for her: this will be a tradition that will passed on to you. There will be no “therapy” for mommy to get over her fears, you both are going to be men about  it and just deal.

AND, if mommy wants to learn to crochet or is crocheting at some point throughout your life, its not because she is old, its because she is broadening her horizons, and damn it its better than picking up smoking.

However, if at some point mommy starts wanting to learn to scrapbook, we all have cause for concern.

Fourth. I am having a hard time with the day that you will be able to run and fall down, and get stung by bees, and fight on playgrounds, and drive and get speeding tickets, and drink and kiss girls. Yes its years away, but im almost 7 months pregnant now, getting very horomonal and have worked really hard to make you, and the idea of you damaging the (what im assuming will be) masterpiece of a child I am making you into really stresses me out. So lets be careful out there, and when you are about to do something stupid just think about my face judging you when i find out what it was you did.

AND think of the 4 months of pure vomit, and what im only assuming hours of pain and torture i endured to get you here.

Five. Don’t hang out with losers. And by losers i don’t mean the kid at school that is really smart, cause that kid is going places, i mean the kids that bring 100 dollar bills for pizza pockets at school, smokes pot cause it makes him “smarter”, owns his own boat the same year that every other kid gets a bike and wears cologne at age 9. I hate that kid.  And I will prove to you that these kids go no where at a later date in time. 

Six. You and me are doing the sex talk for the most part. Jake will be there yes, but his version of the sex talk is mostly for his entertainment at your uncomfortableness and his need to give you a talk that should be aired on some early evening sitcom. Mine is going to be the real deal, and you are going to just hate it. But, mine is the one that will save you the trip to the doctor cause your pee is burning or some girl got pregnant even though the pull and pray is “like totally effective if you do it right...” hells no, we are going over the big picture in moms talk.  And yes, i will be bringing a pregnant woman to this talk.

So so far, this is what i would like covered. I think each year of your life i will add an addendum  though, Since i have yet to meet you and find out what i really should be afraid of in the years to come, its only fair that i keep adding to the mix.

Anyways, I will get back to baking you and you can get back to kicking me in the ribs and getting hiccups when im trying to sleep on my break in the hospital on night shifts and we will be a big happy family in November when you arrive and mommy can have a glass of wine again.

All the love in the world.

Soon to be momma bear.

La Belly.

It happened today.
Today was the day that it happened to me. August 26.
I always sort of knew it would happen...but i was always hoping against the odds, i would win this one...
The day started out the same...i heaved my belly out of bed with me (it comes everywhere with me these days), and jumped in the shower..(less jump, more awkwardly stepping into).
It was then that the mirror swore at me with my own image.
Im more emotionally damaged than physically, but overall i feel the devastation just the same.
The stretch marks. Right on my belly. Right in the front of it.
There was no lotion good enough to avoid these red angry marks on my poor overstretching skin.
Sigh.
Although, another little surprise was there too.
Linea Negra. That little dark line that grows from your pubic bone to top of your fundus (uterus) is appearing on my big round tummy. Its kind of neat. This line im okay with. Its horomonal and according to my nursing text books is "a positive sign of pregnancy", as if I could NOT know at this point that im with child.
I will take pictures of this, while trying to avoid the nasty red ones to the left of it later on.
THESE photos were taken at 26 weeks, so about two weeks ago, prior to the invasion of menace in the shape of red lines.
Im glad now that we took these. It makes me feel like there was a point that my belly was cool, but i seemed to have missed it....
again, enjoy, and feel good about your none swelling body during these photos..

Big, Fat, Crazy pregnant woman.

So, apparently I have lost my mind.

Well it feels like that anyways.  Im pretty used to being extremely efficient, nursing does that to a girl, you either manage 100 things a minute or you quit work, very sink or swim type of mentality. However, in the past week or so, i have noticed that my brain...well it’s foggy.

I put things down and forget ...not like oh yeah i do that too type deal, like I buy something in store, go to the next store, put the bag down to look at something and walk out without picking up the bag of things i had brought into the store. I left my purse at a restaurant, I left movie tickets in the machine thing that prints them, paid for them and left them there, I left my phone at shoppers on the counter,I had to go back to the grocery store 3 times yesterday to get another ingredient for the dinner i planned that morning and had made a list for, and finally, I got out of the shower today without rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.

Now this sounds like someone whos really distracted maybe, but unfortunately for me, im not.  I actually am more chill these days than most before i was pregnant. This is due to, I now know, the fact that i can remember to dwell on things, and cant remember what it was I used to think about all the time. Its pretty blank up there. Leading to things like having enough focus to listen to radio lyrics to a song about a little boy who wants to be like his dad...and sobbing uncontrollably in traffic. Turns out that logic has gone out the window, and emotions are full fledged in charge of this bus called pregnancy: the third trimester.

Although, its okay now that im so flaky/distracted/have the attention span of a goldfish, because now I look VERY pregnant, this lets me get away with almost anything.  This huge protrusion of  a belly that makes it difficult to roll in any direction or get out a car with any sort of finesse, has a magical power of allowing me to act like a complete weirdo, and people just laugh and say nice things to me. Its super.  Most I will get is a shake of a head, a sympathetic sigh and a pat on the belly. And i can be off to make some other stupid mistake, say something that makes no sense, or forget that i didn’t put a bra on that day. Again, without any repercussions.

Also, my credit card has been hit with the reality of this little peanuts arrival. I figured that since Im on board now, that it should also meet the reality of the little squash in my belly. It was a hard lesson for it to learn, but both me and peanut are SUPER excited about things we have now. Even women who aren’t pregnant, or even don’t want to ever BE pregnant, can get on board with baby clothes shopping. HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE JEANS MADE FOR A NEWBORN BABY!?!?!

Jake also learned that nesting comes with a price....when he went to get his tab at a pub the other night and found that his credit card was declined....however, once i showed him the fleece winter suit with bear ears...he changed his tune.

Also, something wonderful happened to me last week. My loving friends in Calgary threw me a baby shower. It was the BEST thing about pregnancy so far. They had SO much food, and cupcakes, and pie, and cheeses and beautiful gifts and best of all ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS and love.  It was beautiful. I am surprised i made it through the night without bawling my eyes out like the over emotional fat lady that i am. There was a few times i thought about it...calmed myself down and moved on.  Again, this is proof that pregnancy demands having love of women around you. So far some of my favourite memories of pregnancy so far include women.  Pretty much all of them actually.

Now, i am in the third trimester in..like a week. I am finishing off trimester two, and I must say, its gone pretty well. ..MUCH better than trimester one. I am one of those people that always loved school because i loved being graded, having end and start dates, and knowing when those ends were in sight. SO: 

Trimester one was: March 7^th ish- May 17^th ish

Grade:  C

Although there was significant effort throughout this trimester, I was worked over like none other. I made it through it tooth and nail. It wasn’t ideal. But it was a pass.

Trimester 2: May 20^th ish- August 30^th-ish

Grade: B

Less effort in, but more positive returns out.  Found out sex of baby, narrowed down baby names, bought a crib, and a stroller,  and survived working. Negatively, hips have been bad news bears, slowing down my work efforts, but still none the less, improvement for sure.

Trimester 3: Im expecting big things. Here are the projects for trimester three:

Paint nursery

Set up Nursery

Get fatter

Get the amount of hours needed for EI

Rest before baby comes and make lots of muffins to freeze.

PUSH OUT BABY.

Now, this last project will the trickiest, but i figure that since that will make this entire trimester seem like an A++, since I will have a baby come the end of this trimester...so i will try not to let the birth be a part of of this trimester, it will stand alone for grading.

BIRTH: again. High expectations.  Hard to say how it goes. But im expecting at least an A for effort. And a bottle of expensive wine.

Okay, so theres 9 months laid out. Afterwards I will grade entire pregnancy by averaging.

So far the trend is up, so lets hope that keeps up. However, if i keep forgetting things, trimester three could be significantly hindered by incidents like leaving a bath running and ruining the house. Its all a waiting game.

So back to being pregnant, fat and crazy.

Post Push Party.

So many perspectives on pregnancy, the joys, the flaws, the ups, the downs, the emotional mess and the physical mess, and its always interesting to hear what other people think of their pregnancies and their experiences, especially when some woman tells you” Oh yeah, that happened to me too” deeeep exhale of relief since you accidentally just told her about that time you farted and blamed it on a patient who was close to unconscious to the doctor who obviously smells it.

Its also such a blessing to hear other women say, yeah pregnancy sucks, but its SO worth it once you get to meet your little baby thats been living in there. Side note: that baby literally was living in your belly, it wakes up and goes to sleep, beats around on your organs doing his daily exercises and yawns and gets the hiccups....is this NOT freaking anyone else out? Also, how lame would it be to live in someone’s tummy....i  guess though, that they like it since they don’t know what else is out there.....I’m distracted...i was saying something else.

Oh right, Im looking forward to being able to tell another woman one day, listen lady, its totally worth it....check out how cute my baby is.

Now. Chatting with a friend today, i realised how many things i want to do when this wonderful little thing is out of my body. There’s a few. So i have decided, that post push, i am going to throw myself a “Get it in you cause you can” party and you can all come. This is how the night will look:

I will get dressed up in HEELS. (even though i walk like an idiot in them)

I will wear a dress that wouldn’t have fit over my belly, or would have, but would have looked like I was one of those trashy pregnant women that is pregnant but also trying to pick up a daddy for said soon to come baby. Boobs out and all.

I will start this party late at night, since I will be awake still...since i wont be sharing my body, and be ten times more exhausted because he is using up all the good stuff and leaving me with what I can only assume is cast off vitamins...

I will put out normal books and fun trashy magazines out in the house, because I will no longer need books on how to push a ten pounder out from my special area, or books on what food will get me through the next 12 weeks of said pregnancy...

There will be an array of food such as:

Sushi: all raw mostly.

Fruit: mostly unwashed.

SO MUCH GOAT CHEESE ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY.

Honey to put on anything and everything and its going to be very unpasteurized.

Shark (since apparently I cant eat that, even though I never have, Im going to have it at the party)

Energy Drinks full of caffeine

Coffee

Coffee cake

Coffee beans in chocolate

Cookie dough and other things with raw eggs.

You get the idea.

So if you are pregnant you may not want to come.

Also.

We will be serving ZERO water at this party. It will be only wine, and things that have been soaked in wine.

There will be beer, and champagne and shots. And blended beautiful drinks too, like the ones they couldn’t really recreate virgin, like a bellini...

I also will be handing out Advil at this party. And cold medicine, since i couldn’t have that either.  Advil and a glass of wine is literally all i have wanted for the past 6 weeks of back pain and nursing work...and damn it its going to be at the party.

You all may bring presents, but if they are baby related, they will deferred to a later party, since this party only accepts wine and other forms of alcohol as gifts.

There will no talk of babies, or vaginas or vomiting or smelly gas at this party, it will be strictly gossip, men, movie star romances and all the fun things going on in your lives...even if you don’t have much going on, invent some stories because thats all we have to go on. Invent some summer romance now, or imagine a big  promotion that you COULD get in a few years and pretend its now. We will need some meat for the conversations.

We are going to dance. Hard. Just be prepared, and there will be no 4 lb baby slowing me down this time. The only muscles im going to be stretching out and aching are the ones needed for my  Britney spears moves, and that will be next day.

Once I am thoroughly full of raw meats, soft cheeses, and at least 8 bottles of wine, i will then proceed to sing karaoke, and pass out ON MY STOMACH to sleep. And i wont be up to be even once. Much less 5 times to pee.

Obviously Jake has the wee baby during this time.  Since I think he will be much to young to hear his mothers karaoke talent at that time.

Anyways, i will be sending out invitations to said  party via this website once baby boy lockhart is welcomed into the world and has a bit of some footing. Then its on like donkey kong. Prepare yourselves, because that girl that you used to know that you used to work to keep up with on the drinking end and the karaoke end and the dance floor....shes coming back full force once this party gets kicked off.